One of my favorite songs I ever wrote was called The Face of Hope. It was written after I had a picture in my mind of people who were seeking answers and finding none. I knew that feeling. My story of hope came from a time when I had complete despair and hated God.
"I hate God." I remember the day those words fell from my lips to my husband's ears. Our friendship, marriage, and parenting had all been built on the foundation of our faith in Christ. We made vows to God asking Him to have people love Jesus more on our wedding day. Our union created four beautiful children. We served in churches, we sang worship music, and the day my mouth confessed these three words, I felt free.
I felt like this truth I hid was the most liberating. I hated how God formed me: my mind, my body, my personality. I hated that He wanted me to forgive people who hurt me, neglected me, abused me. I hated that He gave me a father who hated Him. I hated that I had to pretend that everything was okay. I hated my filtered life. I hated packaging my pain perfectly. I hated the truth, but that hateful truth was what would begin to set me free.
I learned to dismiss rejection. I learned to lie. I lied about hating God and once I was honest about it, the strangest thing happened, I was free. The elephant in the living room of my heart was my hatred and once I confessed that from my mouth, I had this strange peace and awareness that He wasn't surprised.
I could put to the test all the verses of scripture of His promises: to never leave or forsake me, to lead me on paths of righteousness, to set me free from darkness, to forgive me of unbelief. I felt free and forgiven and full of hope. I was no longer alone.I want my face of hope to be a place of healing for you.
Maybe you battle addiction. Maybe you've been abused. Maybe you're in an abusive relationship. Maybe you're ready to admit you hate your situation. Whatever your situation is, denying its effect in your life is only hurting you more. My prayer and hope are that wherever you are today, you find the courage to be honest with yourself, break the pattern of denial, and begin the process of having hope in healing. In admitting I hated God, I learned to love Him and discovered He never stopped loving me.